Katie and Cam vs. Primary

Dear Empty Universe,

Since becoming leeches on the upper-class in Highland, Cam and I have been called to be substitutes for primary at our church. For those who are not Mormon or living in Utah (should i really think so highly of my blog?) primary is the holding institution for kids 3-12--each age having their own class. People who are willing to substitute these classes are in high demand because not many people want to deal with it.

Well, lucky for us, our first week as subs we taught the 3-4 year old class...aka "Sunbeams." It was pretty good birth control. Our second week substituting we had the 6-7 year old class. Here's a short break down of each week:

Sunbeams:

• Most 3 year olds respond to an authoritative count down...like when I stand up and make my eyes big (and crazy), hold my hand up and start counting down from 5. The institutionalized kids run to their seats, fold their arms and look scared.
• Uninstitutionalized kids...the anti-establishment, stick-it-to-the-man ones, do not respond to the count down. They respond to authoritative threats by lying on the floor and making car noises.
• Bribes however, are golden. "Whoever is sitting reverently in their seat for 2 minutes gets 1 goldfish cracker." All sunbeams wrap their arms all the way around themselves and stare.
• Sunbeams like to talk about their family and themselves. They ALL have something to say...about anything. Take this for example: I had a small bean bag and would throw it to a reverent kid and then he would be the only person allowed to talk (think of the conch shell in Lord of the Flies.) I threw the bean bag to each kid and asked them what they do when they pray with their families.
• Child 1: "I have a brother on a mission" Me: "oh great! where is he?" child 1:...silence...
• Child 2: "I have a brother! His name is nathan." me: oh, um, brothers are fun huh?
• Child 3: "I want to go on my mission to Chinese!!!"
• Child 4: "Robots!"

The six year olds were a lot easier than the sunbeams though. They also liked to talk...a lot. Here are some fun experiences with them.

• Overweight kid farts for 3 seconds (i'm not exaggerating). He notices that i'm looking at him while this methane explosion happens. I ask "what do you say?" he says "excuse me" and keeps coloring.
• Boy brings in peanut butter and chocolate cookies for the class. asks each individual person (there were six of us) if we were allergic to peanuts, because these cookies are peanut butter and have peanuts in them.
• Boy spends 15 minutes showing me how red he can make his hands.
• Boy asks cameron for his number so he can call him when he goes on vacation to California.
• Cam and I ask the kids to name a country outside of the United States--3 out of the 4 kids scream "California!" Once we tell them that, actually, CA is IN the US, someone else screams "Las Vegas!" Yikes, anything west of Saint George is apparently a different country. Finally, the smart kid in the class (is that mean to say that?) says "Cananda!" Bingo...although very close to the US...Canada is IN FACT a different country.
• Oh I forgot, someone else said Disneyland was outside of the country. I said well, actually Disneyland is in California. He didn't believe me and then explained that Disneyland is actually ON an ISLAND. Oh, gotcha.

So...sorry mom and Sherida but it doesn't look like you guys will be grandmas anytime soon.