So Many FEELS!!
Well, this was my last weekend sans my man so I decided to have a really vapid night out to myself.
Actually I invited a lot of people and no one could make it therefore I dubbed it a "really vapid night out to myself."
I got my nails did (malibu Barbie pink) while I read People Magazine cover to cover (yay! Jenn Aniston finally tied the knot! #teamjennforever) and then at long last found my perfect shade of magenta lipstick at Sephora. It was a nice break from my obsession over the Greek financial crisis and whether or not the yuan downturn will affect how much interest we pay on our student debts.* I digress...
...and pick back up again. Mid flip into my People mag viewing I finally had the epiphany that I've needed for about a year straight. I've been having the feels all summer (no husband, family for only 2 weeks out of the 3 MONTHS) and those feels gradually built up until I combusted on the phone with Cam into a big pool of the negative sad feels. I've been trying to work through it and it took about a week for my sad feels to ferment into my warrior feels. Lemme 'splain:
And I get it. It can be a lot to take in for some people. I can come off as uncouth and scary. You really don't get my sense of humor. Etc. I understand.
And I finally don't care. I've felt like Mindy Khaling's book title "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me?" so much that I can't anymore. I don't have room for those feels. Or for the not calling me when you're in town feels, or the you invited everyone over but me feels, and the list goes on and on feels. Generally, I'm done with the you don't accept me feels. Because I accept myself with my red hair and all.
And I truly and profoundly do not apologize for Bossy Pants or Katy Perry.
My dad told me last month that he and my mom raised me to be a warrior. And I really don't feel like my authentic Taylor warrior when I'm trying so hard to like Taylor Swift and clothes that are not from H&M.**
But I'm lucky. I have a slew of truly wonderful and heaven sent friends. One these angel BFFs recently told me about the "first tier friends, the second tier friends, and then the arms distance friends." It's ok if we're arms distance friends. And I'm ok if you think of me as an arms distance friend. And Jesus was happy!
Even at 27 you can go through the middle school feels, and according to my mom and MIL, there is still middle school drama that happens when you're 50. And beyond.
So that was a lot of Oprah shiz right there. Sometimes you just need to throw yourself an emotional quincenera, that's all! But I promise that the next post will have lots of pictures of my little guys.
*Am I the only one completely immersing myself in this? THIS SHIZ IS CRAZY!!!
**This was more of a metaphor for trying to fit in/run with a crowd that is not my type of crowd.
Actually I invited a lot of people and no one could make it therefore I dubbed it a "really vapid night out to myself."
I got my nails did (malibu Barbie pink) while I read People Magazine cover to cover (yay! Jenn Aniston finally tied the knot! #teamjennforever) and then at long last found my perfect shade of magenta lipstick at Sephora. It was a nice break from my obsession over the Greek financial crisis and whether or not the yuan downturn will affect how much interest we pay on our student debts.* I digress...
...and pick back up again. Mid flip into my People mag viewing I finally had the epiphany that I've needed for about a year straight. I've been having the feels all summer (no husband, family for only 2 weeks out of the 3 MONTHS) and those feels gradually built up until I combusted on the phone with Cam into a big pool of the negative sad feels. I've been trying to work through it and it took about a week for my sad feels to ferment into my warrior feels. Lemme 'splain:
- I'm pretty liberal. Like, Mormon liberal and also I do not hate Hillary Clinton type of liberal.
- I'm a super feminist. Like super.
- I cut all my hair off into a pixie cut. And then cut that even shorter into a Halle Berry cut.
- And then I died it bright red.
- And I continued to die it bright red until my hair dresser suggested what they call fire ombre. Why not.
- I suggested the book Bossy Pants for a mormon girl's book club.
- I sang Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl and I liked it" at karaoke night.
- I like Ben and Jerry's and after two babies my body is shaped like a pear with the jowls of a hound dog smack dab on my stomach. Counting calories makes me profoundly sad.
- I laugh really loud and sometimes it sounds like I'm a wicked Disney character.
And I get it. It can be a lot to take in for some people. I can come off as uncouth and scary. You really don't get my sense of humor. Etc. I understand.
And I finally don't care. I've felt like Mindy Khaling's book title "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me?" so much that I can't anymore. I don't have room for those feels. Or for the not calling me when you're in town feels, or the you invited everyone over but me feels, and the list goes on and on feels. Generally, I'm done with the you don't accept me feels. Because I accept myself with my red hair and all.
And I truly and profoundly do not apologize for Bossy Pants or Katy Perry.
My dad told me last month that he and my mom raised me to be a warrior. And I really don't feel like my authentic Taylor warrior when I'm trying so hard to like Taylor Swift and clothes that are not from H&M.**
But I'm lucky. I have a slew of truly wonderful and heaven sent friends. One these angel BFFs recently told me about the "first tier friends, the second tier friends, and then the arms distance friends." It's ok if we're arms distance friends. And I'm ok if you think of me as an arms distance friend. And Jesus was happy!
Even at 27 you can go through the middle school feels, and according to my mom and MIL, there is still middle school drama that happens when you're 50. And beyond.
So that was a lot of Oprah shiz right there. Sometimes you just need to throw yourself an emotional quincenera, that's all! But I promise that the next post will have lots of pictures of my little guys.
*Am I the only one completely immersing myself in this? THIS SHIZ IS CRAZY!!!
**This was more of a metaphor for trying to fit in/run with a crowd that is not my type of crowd.
Yes. Dude. Yes.
ReplyDeleteI finally came around to this realization too. It only look two years of family struggles with cancer and addiction to realize, fuck this shit. Life is short.
I'm done spending time with people who don't make me happy, let me be myself. And also stop being so sad when those type of people don't invite me. At least I try to be.
I'm happy that warrior Katie is back and strong and in full force. You are awesome, and I appreciate how much you put yourself out there as a real human.
Xoxo! And enjoy your husband when he gets back. I'm sure you are counting the minutes.
Oh Katie, I still read and maybe stalk your blog. Does it make it stalking since I don't comment? But you always make me laugh! Maybe someday we can near each other and our kids can get married (your two boys, my two girls, it's perfect). -Tori
ReplyDeleteI am nothing like what you've described, but I've never really had friends since I got married. It's not who you are--trust me! I'm pretty boring--apparently too boring. And I doubt I will ever get over it or ever feel like I fit in or have friends. I have sisters and my mom and my sister in law. They are pretty much my only friends. Don't get me wrong--I have acquaintances that I talk to and say hi to, but no one I would ever feel comfortable to call up and pour my heart out to or ask for help or to hang out. Life can be lonely, and I am still trying to figure out how to make friends. I watch other people in the various neighborhoods in which we have lived become BFFs and I always feel left out. I have cried a lot over the years about being a loser who can't make friends. It wouldn't surprise me if the majority of women (maybe more so in the LDS church or other close-knit community groups) feel this way. It's pretty sad, right?
ReplyDeleteKatie, I'm a super feminist too, and I loved Bossy Pants, and I hate counting calories, and I think we should be friends! Also, I just binge-stalked your blog and lemme just say that whenever you write your sexy mermaid epic novel, I'll be the first to pre-order it on Amazon.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I would have died if someone suggested "Bossy Pants" in my book club. LOVE THAT BOOK. :) Secondly, I really needed to read this. Thanks for putting this out there. Sometimes I let the "feels" take over, it gets the best of me. PS, I still like you, even though you don't like Taylor Swift. :) haha. You're the best.
ReplyDelete