Harry and the Hendersons, or Henry and Joneses

If you were ever wondering about the myth of Sasquatch I'll tell you one thing: he's real.

And he has a child.

How do I know? HOW DO I KNOW?

Because I hear him wake up at 5:00 am and go to bed at 12:30am. With a bathroom break at 3:30 am. I hear him go to what I can only guess is his primitive Sasquatch kitchen and make himself a bucket size margarita with his high-powered blender after work. And I hear his offspring. Always.

ALWAYS.

Not the romantic Harry Potter kind of always. The desperately serious and excruciating always. 

So yeah if you didn't guess by now Sasquatch lives above me in my apartment complex. And you know what? That dang manimal (half man, half animal? WHAT IS HE?!) had a leaking HVAC unit that leaked all into my utility closet and triggered the flood watch on my hot water heater. And then fried the circuit board on my A/C unit. 

So I was righteously pissed, and decided that I was going to first politely inform Sasquatch that his HVAC was leaking shiz all over my utility closet, and then I was going to kill him, skin his hide and wear it around Philly during the winter time.*

I went to the floor above mine, knocked on his door and would you guess who answered? A nice young Korean man.

Lemme rephrase that: a small and harmless Korean man. Named Henry. Who introduced me to his pregnant and equally tiny Korean wife Debbie. Who then introduced me to their sweet yet minuscule daughter. They were very apologetic about the leak and took care of it toute suite. What I believed to be their primitive Sasquatch cave was an apartment painted Tiffany blue with a glass chandelier over the kitchen table (I know I know no one is painting with blue anymore but it totally worked!)**

I just don't get it. Because I knew it was Sasquatch. I would yell out "SASQUATCH!" in the middle of the night when he got up to stomp to the bathroom. But I guess it was just pregnant Debbie. I mean, come on Deb! Are you wearing steel toed construction boots? And baby Sasquatch?! It's a tiny human. Tiny. Yet she is always prancing or jumping while wearing her tiny infant sized steel toed construction boots. And Henry is obviously just straight up bowling at night.

Sigh.

Maybe I should take to drinking. It just seems like a really expensive habit. So instead I've been binge watching Jane the Virgin.*** It's helping.

*It is so f-ing cold in Philly in the winter time. NO! YOU DON'T KNOW! You don't understand how cold it is west coast best coast mmkay? I really would have worn Sasquatch's hide to keep me warm during the polar vortexes. 

**Ok ok okokokokokokok so people are still painting interiors blue. I just feel like everything I see now is gray. Gray interior. Gray exterior. graygraygraygray #gray #livinglavidagray #50shades. Wait, is that book starting not only a spanking faashion but a design fashion as well?

***YOU GUYS IT IS SO GOOD! watch it with me! Also for the record, I'm halfway through and am totally still #teammichael.