That BBQ where I rolled my eyes so much they got stuck that way

READER BEWARE: This is a salty post. If you can't handle a high sodium diet of humor I would skip this one.

I think I have an issue making new friends. It's not that I don't want any new friends--it's just I have a high threshold of what makes a person tolerable. Some of those include:

  1. You cannot hate kids. Well, actually you can really dislike kids. I just need you to make it clear that you want to hang out with me sans kids. That in and of itself is actually pretty hard but whatever. 
  2. I need you to eat food. If you invite me over for a girls night and there's only red pepper slices to munch on I AM OUT y'all. 
  3. It might sound obvious but I just cannot be friends with someone who thinks they are better than I am. I'm not here to be anyones DUFF...mkay? Respect my large booty and my witty repartee. 
Cam's a good person and LOVES making new friends with lots of different people and I love sitting on my couch eating doritos and farting into my sweatpants. Needless to say I about screamed when Cameron told me a coworker and his wife invited us (our kids included) over to their house for a bbq. Details about the couple: they are newly weds (gag) and have 3 enormous dogs that they treat as their children (vomit). The last time I went to a newlyweds house who had a crap ton of animals she told me I could change my baby's diaper on the carpet: when I lifted my baby up after changing him his back was SMOTHERED enchilada style with cat hair. Ever since then I've struggled. As for the newlywed gagging--newlyweds tend to tell the story of how they met in a 2 hour time frame. And after it's all over you're like ..."so what I got from that two hour story is that you guys were in chemistry class together. Everything else was superfluous. Next time, just say that you met in chemistry class."*

Remember the whole doritos, couch, and farts thing. I'm also a scrooge.

ANYWHO. We go to this couples house. Josh rang the doorbell. Woman answered the door and immediately started yelling at my kids to come inside so the dogs don't get out. So, that was unexpected but whatever (eyeroll 1). Then proceeded to tell my kids to NOT TOUCH THE DOGS because they are scared of their own shadow (eyeroll 2). These dogs were literally the size of St. Bernards--and they were cowering on the couch. Couple then told us that they don't eat fruit or vegetables so they will NOT be eating the watermelon that we brought over (eyeroll 3). Well good thing we brought doritos as well. They then waited like 2 hours to start barbequeing the food and it turns out they only bought cheese dogs---hot dogs with cheese in the middle (eyeroll 4 and gag #1). While the men cooked the, gag, cheese dogs, the woman chatted with me about another mormon couple they knew--but how it was insane because THAT mormon girl got married so young and had kids RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE without starting her career first! (eyeroll 5) I blankly stared at her until she felt uncomfortable. Just working on my strengths. She clearly could not handle children because she kept telling my two kids to not touch anything when they were actually behaving better than they have in their short little lives (eyeroll 6-7).

They then turned on Moana for the boys to watch but didn't like it whenever the kids commented on something in the movie (eyeroll 8). Told Rory to move spots on the couch because he sat in one of the dog's seat (eyeroll 9). Any time the woman heard one of the boys crunching on something she flipped around and said "whats that?! Is he breaking something?!" No, it's just Josh sitting at the kitchen table eating a tortilla chip (eyeroll 10). The husband started to get the vibe that I'm going to murder someone in that house and it isn't going to be someone from MY family so he suggested we go out in their backyard and fill up the kiddie pool for the boys to play in. Woman reminded us that they bought the kiddie pool for their 3 wussy dogs but, surprise surprise, the dogs are scared of water. Josh and Rory proceeded to splash in the pool until she told them to STOP SPLASHING (eyeroll 11 and hot rage flash #1). Luckily my boys give approximately zero effs and kept splashing. Bravo boys, bravo. I whispered to Cameron that we needed to get the fork out of there ASAP. Woman stopped us to say "hey lets hang out tomorrow! Come to the Plano athletic center instead of the Frisco Athletic Center where you already have a membership! It's only $8 a person!" (eyeroll 12). That's a hard pass.

I ran to the car with the boys before I was roped into anymore of a living hell than that afternoon was. Once Cam got in the car I realized I couldn't see anymore! Why was my vision all wonky?! Cam looked at me and freaked out BECAUSE MY EYES WERE STUCK IN WEIRD POSITIONS FROM ROLLING TOO MUCH! My mother was right: my face really did get stuck in that position of righteous anger and annoyance.


Luckily we haven't had to spend time with this couple again. However I did send them the bill from my optometrist who had to fix my eyes.** If I sound like the Wicked Witch of the West I understand. If it helps, here's a copy of my actual senior pic:



via GIPHY



*Not all newlyweds are annoying. Especially if I like you in the first place.
** My doc fixed my eyes with a combination of yoga, breathing techniques and reruns of Parks and Rec

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