Rules for the East Coast/UPWPs

This past year has been very eye-opening for me, a low-brow Orange County girl living on the east coast among a lot of upper class white people (let's just call them UPWPs for short--pronounce it upwhip.) I've come up with a little cheat sheet out there for people trying to break into the UPWP's or if you're thinking about moving to the east coast. Let's begin, shall we?

1. Don't say what's on your mind/what everyone is already thinking. Let me rephrase that--don't be yourself (a sexy fun biotch.) Apparently, this is frowned upon with the UPWPs. If you do this you'll receive "compliments" like "wow, Katie. You just say it how it is!" Or "I like that I know exactly what you're thinking." So funny, because if you knew exactly what I was thinking, you'd know that I think you're being a jack hole. Learn how to give a compliment. Please. Also, don't read my blog. That will not help ANYTHING.
2. You must like FlyWheel. WHAT?!! You don't know what FlyWheel is? Oh, you poor peasant. FlyWheel is basically a really intense spin class. I went once. It was awesome, but also not air conditioned. I think I burned like 6,000 calories, and then another 500 from vomiting afterwards. True story. *
3. Rainboots. Own them. Wear them. Because the East Coast gets warm rain. It is just as terrible as it sounds.
4. Scream at people from Jersey. When people from Jersey come into Philadelphia they are the worst drivers and it makes me ejaculate** (in scream form, ya pervert) "JERSEY!" Try it, it's super fun. No seriously, do it right now. You feel so good right? Also--side bar--I love people from Jersey. I especially love blue collar workers from Jersey, they'll totally chat me up at the toll booth or gas station and totally trash talk business men. After we part I try to inconspicuously go back to my Rav4 where my husband is sitting and wearing business casual. Ugh, those @#$%ing business men.
5. Try not to have "out there" or "edgy" hair. For example: my hair. I dye my hair a pretty intense shade of red and this really baffles the UPWPs, and actually, most people in Philadelphia. My hairdresser loves me though. (Yay! we get to do a color other than blonde!) I really would walk around and feel so one of a kind, and then I went back home to CA for Christmas and everyone was like, "eh yeah. Red hair like Black Widow. Guess what, like 20 other people in this room have the exact same color." Another reason why I left my heart in LA 3 years ago. 
6. If you went to an Ivy League school you HAVE to try and be a douche bag. Except for Harvard, because if you went/go there you ARE a douche bag.*** Don't get mad. 
7. Lake house. Own one. If you do not own a lake house GO GET A F-ING FRIEND WHO HAS ONE AND GO TO IT! You have to vacation hard at a lake house every summer!

I mean, do you feel me on this one? If you are feeling completely baffled by what I just said, you're most likely from the West Coast. Welcome to my blog! Let's be friends. We probably understand one another, and we probably both like Gwen Stefani. If you are feeling somewhat/horrendously offended by anything that I've said, you are probably from the east coast/have lived on the east coast for some time/you just hate me. That's ok. I DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!****

*So this is a great example of something you should NOT say. Leave all bodily functions out of conversations.

**Not a good enough reason to use the word ejaculate.

***Aw shiz, I did it again. That's enough out of you!

****Honest to goodness I would say this the second I came out of the limo. And my occupation would be free-lance childcare specialist/future trophy wife.