Grandma

It's taken me a while to finally write a blogpost about my grandmother. I've been too emotional to really write about it until now. My grandma passed away a little over a month ago from a car accident she was in with my grandpa. No one really knows about my extended family that much...especially my dad's side of the family (including me.) But briefly, my dad grew up in a horrible living situation and as soon as he could he got the hell out of dodge. He met my mom in college at BYU, they fell in love and my mom waited for my dad while he was out on a mission in Brazil. When my dad met my mom's family, they welcomed him in with open arms. I'm pretty sure his adult life he considered her (and called her) "mom" because she treated him like her own son.

Needless to say, she's the one and only grandma I've ever known. Her body had slowly been giving out on her for the past two years, and she was preparing all of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren for her eventual passing. We all knew it was coming, but it was still hard to hear the news. No one expected her to die such a violent death which made it even more hard to hear.

My grandma was honestly such an amazing woman. She was a beauty queen, but fiesty and had the best sense of humor ever. I always felt like she loved the kids in my family best; this feeling lasted my entire life until her funeral. I found out that every grandchild felt like he or she was someone so monumentally important and special in her life.

She was such a southern belle! A picture of her hanging out before the reception on my wedding day.

But I really do feel like a lucky grandchild: two weeks before her passing I made a special trip with my mom and dad to her and my grandpa's house to hang out and share some of the exciting things happening in mine and Cam's life. When my mom told me she passed away, I was invited to dress her for her burial (FYI in mormon culture when someone passes away who has gone through our temple, we dress them in special burial clothes and this is done by other people in our church--usually children or friends.) I was sooooo emotional when I first saw her body but dressing her was such a crazy experience. It hurt, a lot, but it was also a spiritual experience. I felt a sense of closure that a lot of my cousins did not have since they were out of town.

Her funeral was beautiful and attended by a TON of people. At her burial site all the grandkids could release a dove into the air which sounds super corny but it was awesome and seemed to be the comic relief of the highly emotional day.

As a lot of you know, I'm very open about some of my emotions. When I'm happy i'm ECSTATIC and when I'm upset I am PISSED. But I really hate crying in public. Don't ask me why, but my dad and younger brother are the same way. So at the memorial service a lot of people were baby face bawling but I was pretty stoic. Then my dad gave the most amazing talk that really communicated how I felt. It was a talk on the plan of salvation and how we can rejoice that my grandmother is in heaven now, and not weighed down with her physical earthly ailments. But still, we're sad, because selfishly we wanted her to be here for the birth of her next great-grandchild, or to see the baptism of her last grandchild or to be at the farewell of one of her grandsons. I lost it at my dad's talk. It was really amazing.

I really miss my grandma. I think its so hard because she was such a constant in mine and my siblings lives. She was always there. She gave my oldest brother his first bath. We lived with her when we were little kids when my dad was a consultant. She was at all my graduations and at my wedding. Its hard to imagine such a constant not there anymore. But something my parents told me, is that she will still be there, at all the important things.

A few days after the funeral my cousin who I am closest to got married. It was a beautiful wedding but an even more beautiful sealing. I felt comforted because during her sealing I knew my grandmother was there.

I'll be surprised if anyone reads this post, which is ok, because this is more for me than for anyone else.